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The loss - part 2 -

Afbeelding blog 'The loss - part 2 -' Achtergrond blur afbeelding

2016 was rough. As if one tragedy wasn’t enough, it didn’t take long for another one to hit us. And it hit us hard!
29th of February had come and gone but had left its deep scars in our hearts. It was supposed to be a happy day, seeing the baby and hearing his beating heart on the echo. Instead, it was a sad day, beginning to end.
We had went to bed pretty late, having watched The Oscars that evening. Next morning, very early while it was still dark outside, my husband gets a phone call. It was his sister asking if she could come over for a bit, not giving us any other information. I jumped out of bed and quickly got my robe on to go downstairs and open the door.
As I opened the door I could see she had been crying a lot. Her eyes were red and glassy, I knew there was something wrong but I thought I’ll invite her and her boyfriend inside and make a cup of coffee because there’s nothing a nice cup of coffee couldn’t fix, right?
My husband came downstairs as well, still sleepy, barely keeping his eyes open. I tried to reassure them saying that everything will be ok and before I knew it she was saying that their mother had passed away. Both her and my husband burst into tears and the shock was so immense that I rushed to hug her and left my husband collapsing on the couch with grief. It’s strange how the human brain reacts to a tragedy. I still wanted to make coffee, I wanted to somehow fix it and somehow my mind was blocked at the fact that if I made a cup of coffee I would make them feel better. It was all I wanted! To take their pain away and make them feel better. But there was no way to fix it, to make them feel better. My mind went blank that I even forgot how to make a cup of coffee, I had no idea what I needed, regardless the thousands of times I had made coffee before.
My husband was inconsolable and I couldn’t find the right words to comfort him. I had never seen him like that before so I really didn’t know what to do or say. I guess just being there should have been enough even though in those moments he only needed his mom, nothing else. We then rushed to see his dad.
The day went so slow, we could count the seconds and actually hear the clock ticking. That day, our world stood still. There was only sorrow, no hope, not being able to look forward to something. It was so sudden and unexpected, no chance to say goodbye which probably made it that much more painful. I kept shaking my head, feeling so sorry she had gone and not being able to understand why this had happened.
In the evening, on our way back home, I was looking outside the window of the car and saw some young boys on their bicycles singing and laughing. It made me angry…It wasn’t fair! Didn’t they know we had just lost someone, that our worlds had fallen apart, didn’t they know how much we were suffering? I was angry at them for being able to laugh while I knew it would take so long till we could laugh again.
My mother-in-law…what an incredible woman. What a strong, independent, sweet, funny and big-hearted woman she was. We might not have always seen eye to eye but I loved her. For me, she was my Dutch mother. She took me in, she helped me immensely! I was going to miss her more than I knew at that moment. Our long conversations, her advice, her jokes and her smile…
Not being able to take the pain away from my husband, to make him feel better, to say something that could somehow help, broke my heart. I kept asking myself will I ever see him smile? Will he ever be the same again? Will he ever make silly faces or dance around the living room with me? Will he ever be ok again? The questions were tormenting, painful. But it wasn’t about me, it was all about him now. I wanted to be strong for him, for his family. I knew I had to hide my own pain and sorrow from two weeks before in order to be ok for them.
So that’s exactly what I did. Little did I know that ignoring the pain and suffering of my own loss would come back and bite me.
After a few months, I found myself depressed, lonely, feeling everything I had put aside before. I needed to do something. I knew that I had to get myself out of the hole I had fallen into because I didn’t want it to get worse. I didn’t want to be this sad person, I wanted to be me again. With my baby went so much of me.
A good friend of mine once told me “ Fight or give up, the choice is yours ”. I decided to fight. The first thing I did was to sign up for the gym. The gym would become the place I could work my emotions out, feel better about myself and at the same time get fitter. I started doing more of the things that brought me joy, things I loved. I taught myself to find beauty and happiness in the small and simple things. The smell of coffee in the morning, of the brownies fresh out of the oven, the look on my husband’s face every time I cooked his favorite pasta dish, cherishing what I still had and looking forward to what would come. See, staying positive when everything around you seems to go wrong is very hard but at the same time, possible.
Weeks went by and I started to get better. I was proud! I had been able to be happy again and it felt good!
I should have been giving birth to our angel baby around the 22nd of October. On the 20th of October I had a dream. A dream that still haunts me to this day and as beautiful as it was, it brought back a lot of heartache and tears. In my dream I hadn’t lost the baby. It was like a small home video rolling in front of my eyes and it picked up right before I had lost the baby but this time I was still pregnant. It went on to going to the hospital, giving birth and bringing our baby home. Our baby was dressed in a blue onesie with an elephant on it. It was a baby boy. Our perfect baby boy! Our little family was complete, we were happy and it felt so real. Of course my beautiful dream was interrupted by the sound of the alarm and I woke up. I had a smile, stretched from ear to ear which immediately was washed away from the tears pouring down my face. My arms were empty, I wasn’t holding our baby anymore. I was a mother with empty arms. I realized it was just a dream and as much as I wanted to fall back asleep to see him just one more time, I couldn’t. I got out of bed as I didn’t want to wake my husband up and went downstairs. It was just me and my thoughts and tears. It then hit me….I had never taken the time to say goodbye. I had never taken the time to tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for the life he would never get to live. So I voiced everything I wanted to tell him.
“My beautiful baby, I am so sorry you had to go. Mama loves you so much! I love you more than you will ever know. I will forever love you and carry you in my heart!”
That was my closure. The one thing I needed all along. I had said goodbye.
Miscarriage happens quite often but I never knew this. Not until it had happened to me. I will never understand why these two tragedies happened nor will I ever understand why any tragedy ever happens. One of the things I’ve learned from all of this is that everyone has their own way of grieving and we should respect that and give them enough time to do it properly and not force them to put a tragedy behind them before they are ready.
Few weeks later my life changed again, for the better. I was pregnant again.

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